Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize