Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize