I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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