Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
