Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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