I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
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