I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
