omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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