angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
