The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize