So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
