I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
