One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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