I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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