I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize