your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
