Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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