The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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