If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
