Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
