he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize