; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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