Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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