I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
