Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
pray to the hookup gods
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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