; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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