I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
