i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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