i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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