Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Randomize
