I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
