I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
