Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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