he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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