Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i came on her dog
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
