watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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