I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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