Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
