I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
