I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
