Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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