just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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