you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
