You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
