god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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