there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
