wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
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