I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
