your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
