she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
