I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
