Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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