I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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