I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
