And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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