I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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