i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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