And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
