my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
