today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
